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A SHORT HISTORY OF THE INAUGURAL NORSE ASSAULT ON PARIS FOR BOSTONIANS.

BY ROWDY GEIRSSON

So back in the late 700s this guy Charlemagne was goin' completely fuckin' nuts, n' I mean completely fuckin' nuts, 'cause this guy, he was pickin' fights everywhere yah fuckin' looked. Pahks, gahdens, fahms, pubs, castles, fuckin' monastehries—yah name it: he was there n' he was fuckin' fightin', n' what's mohr is he was fuckin' winnin' too like yah wouldn't even believe, n' so on accoun'ah all that winnin' he was able tah staht gettin' all the Franks from 'round the diffahrent neighbahhoods tahgethah in ohrdah staht makin' 'em all submit tah his own highah fuckin' authahrity. N' then tah celebrate these victahries'ah his, aftahwahds he'd go n' he'd take all the Franks' land so that ovah the years he ended up accumulatin' the biggest goddamned pehrsonal fohrtune in real estate that anyone'd evah even fuckin' seen. N' so this Charlemagne guy, he's a smaht guy right, so next thing he does is he goes n' he takes that fohrtune'ah his n' he stahts investin' it so as tah make even mohr money, n' yah know, some people even say he gets intah bootleggin' too 'round this time, but eithah way, it don't really fuckin' mattah, 'cause back in those days, yah didn't build up that kindah huge fuckin' financial empi'ah without alsah gettin' yahself crowned Holy Roman Emperah. N' so that's exactly what this guy fuckin' does—he actually goes n' he gets himself fuckin' crowned by the goddamned Pope himself n' he ends up bein' emperah fah awhile, which yah know was all fine n' shit, till he finally fuckin' went n' died in 814.

The complete article is at McSweeney's.